24. Outside
I did not sleep last night. It seems to be a theme for me this year that my body will constantly crave sleep, and yet when given the chance to close my eyes, my body rebels.
I was frustrated, tired, confused... and so at 6am this morning, I went outside.
There's something about outside that my soul finds soothing, especially late at night or early in the morning. Usually, late at night, I am really not a morning person.
Either way, this morning I found myself sitting outside on the footpath outside our driveway, watching the cars drive by and marvelling at how many people start work so early.
Right now, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. I'm restless. Endlessly restless and dissatisfied with almost everything. I got married almost a month ago, and marriage is great. It's something I'd dreamed of since I was a teenager. So in that regard, I'm living the dream. But it feels like that's the only part of my life that I'm happy with right now.
My heart longs for adventure. For new experiences and new people and new places and new smells and new sights. The world around me feels so small right now. Especially being a Christian, everyone knows everyone. It feels like it's impossible to escape familiar people, and I don't really know why but it's starting to make me feel claustrophobic. Not to get all soppy, but to quote Belle, 'I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell.'
I don't know where to go, what direction to take, I just know that I desperately want to shake things up. Move far away, meet knew people. Go somewhere where the only person I know is my wonderful Matt, and start fresh. The past few years for me have been nightmarish and it's almost like being married is making my heart even more desperate for a fresh start than ever before.
For now, I suppose, I'll just keep going outside at midnight, seeing a part of the world less often seen by most, and hope that this act somehow satiates my need for new.
I was frustrated, tired, confused... and so at 6am this morning, I went outside.
There's something about outside that my soul finds soothing, especially late at night or early in the morning. Usually, late at night, I am really not a morning person.
Either way, this morning I found myself sitting outside on the footpath outside our driveway, watching the cars drive by and marvelling at how many people start work so early.
Right now, I don't have a clue what I'm doing with my life. I'm restless. Endlessly restless and dissatisfied with almost everything. I got married almost a month ago, and marriage is great. It's something I'd dreamed of since I was a teenager. So in that regard, I'm living the dream. But it feels like that's the only part of my life that I'm happy with right now.
My heart longs for adventure. For new experiences and new people and new places and new smells and new sights. The world around me feels so small right now. Especially being a Christian, everyone knows everyone. It feels like it's impossible to escape familiar people, and I don't really know why but it's starting to make me feel claustrophobic. Not to get all soppy, but to quote Belle, 'I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell.'
I don't know where to go, what direction to take, I just know that I desperately want to shake things up. Move far away, meet knew people. Go somewhere where the only person I know is my wonderful Matt, and start fresh. The past few years for me have been nightmarish and it's almost like being married is making my heart even more desperate for a fresh start than ever before.
For now, I suppose, I'll just keep going outside at midnight, seeing a part of the world less often seen by most, and hope that this act somehow satiates my need for new.
Comments
Post a Comment